SHEDDING YOUR SKIN IN FAMILY COURT?

Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.

© Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2017 

          When a relationship dissolves, one would logically want to disassociate from the old partner, never see him/her again, walk away and never look back, etc., assuming fairly healthy thinking.  But it’s not that easy in Family Court cases that involved children or even with long term alimony issues.  Often, the relationship is truly “till death do us part” by its very nature.

            Having children with a partner just about guarantees that you will be tied to the other parent at least until the child is an adult, but it usually goes beyond that, into grandparent-hood. As I have stated in this space before, it is virtually impossible to surgically dissect away a former spouse when you have a child. While you might be able to plan separate birthday parties and vacations, you will not be able to plan separate weddings, Communions, Bar and Bat Mitzvas, college graduations, and births of your grandchildren, etc.  While it is difficult to think that far ahead when your child of divorce is eight years old, you might want to keep your interactions with your estranged or ex- partner on a civil and cooperative playing field because before you know it, your child will be 18, then 28, etc.

            Sometimes there is no escaping someone even when they live elsewhere, and you feel haunted and stalked by your own social media. For example, after a divorce or other break-up, you will be tormented by regular reminders of “this day in history”, for example, where you will be involuntarily subjected to photos of formerly loving moments you had  with someone you would rather not see.  Going through your Google photos or your phone gallery of pictures will yield, sometimes thousands of photos of your ex and you, during happier times. Also, your child will not let you forget about your ex. How do you deal with this now in a healthy manner?

            Sometimes it is better to take a step back, breathe, forgive, and accept certain realities, as touched upon above. The photos and social media example is only one facet of the bigger picture.  If you can speak civilly with your ex, it is best for you both to agree to keep it civil and cooperative for the sake of your children. You cannot obliterate your ex’s existence.  There is no way to do that legally, it is not realistic and it is not healthy for your child. Despite your hurt, your sense of betrayal, your anger, this person is someone who you once loved and with whom you created a child.  Is it good for you and your child, now that the relationship ended, to retain anger, hurt and sense of betrayal? That only hurts you because you are the one who feels lousy inside. It is also not good for your pocketbook either, since anger fuels needless litigation in many instances.

As I have also said previously in this space, it is good for your child (with a few specific exceptions related to criminal behavior, substance abuse and child abuse) to know that it is ok to freely enjoy a loving relationship with both parents.  Alienating a child from the other parent (overtly or subtly)  is a form of emotional child abuse.  If it is too painful to exist in the same sphere as your ex, to deal with him/her civilly and cooperatively as related to your child, then perhaps some counseling might be helpful. After the initial dissolution crisis dissipates, it is healthy for a person to settle down emotionally and to move on, keeping things in their proper perspective for the good of everyone concerned. When someone has great difficulty doing this, cannot forgive, retains significant anger, has violent fantasies, depression, etc., it is unhealthy for the person and for their child.

It is difficult, if not impossible, to completely shed one’s skin and totally start anew, as if to regenerate without memories of a previous life once shared.  The best one can realistically hope for is to feel ok, to be able to move on with life happily, and to accept the ex as a formerly important figure, who may still be a very important figure and role model for a child. That requires some mental gymnastics in some cases, but should be attempted and mastered. Your child needs the freedom to love both parents and to enjoy time with both parents, assuming there are no extreme, contraindicating circumstances. Going forward with your life is quite different from your child’s experience of the breakup, and it might be good to acknowledge this difference with your child, and to validate their need to enjoy their other-parent relationship without conflict, anxiety or guilt.

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Good luck, and please post a comment about your experiences.

Copyright © Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., Esq.,  2017
Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D., is a Family Law Attorney in NJ and in NY, representing Family Law clients in Superior Court of NJ . He is also a Licensed Psychologist (NJ #1358, NY #5614, OH #7540) who has performed forensic child custody evaluations for the Courts and who has been appointed Guardian ad litem and Parent Coordinator by the NJ Superior Court, Family Division.

Please note, this blog is for information purposes only. It is neither legal nor psychological advice and it does not create an attorney/client or psychologist/patient relationship. If you have a question about a specific matter or issue, you should seek out an attorney or mental health expert to assist you.

Call to schedule a consultation:  201-801-0455

email: jonathan@jdgordonlaw.com

Web Site:  www.jdgordonlaw.com
www.jdgordonpsych.com

Tweet Me:  @jdgordonlaw; follow me on FaceBook

     

SOCIAL MEDIA COMES BACK TO BITE YOU IN FAMILY COURT

Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.

© Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2017 

     Many people do not realize that the phrase "anything you say may be used against you in a Court of Law" also applies to what they post on social media.  It is remarkable what people post about themselves: pictures of themselves with the person with whom they are having an affair, pictures of themselves guzzling beer, party pictures that depict themselves in raunchy positions or gestures, etc.  Also amazing are the posts that trash talk their estranged ex partner or spouse, or even their children (e.g. "my kids are such brats...".). This article is written a bit tongue-in-cheek, but the advice is quite serious and you should take it to heart because it could save you from a bitter defeat in Court.

     Please stop posting the intimate details of your life to the world, even to your friends alone. It is not a good idea.  The person who wants to humiliate you in court is scavenging around for any bits of evidence that they can attach to a Certification as an exhibit. The person from whom you are trying to take custody of your child will use these posts to show the Judge that you are not the best parent (even if you are). Why give people ammunition to use against you?  Is it that important to amuse your friends with your zany activities, that you will risk jeopardizing your court case?   Trust me, it's not worth it.

     Interestingly, you should also know that according to Court rules, ethical standards and rules of evidence, once you post incriminating posts on social media, and you later are told (e.g. by me) that it's a bad idea, you can be slammed for tampering with evidence (also called spoliation).  Even your own attorney is not ethically supposed to tell you to remove the post, because it is destroying "discoverable" evidence that your opponent is otherwise entitled to!  For example, when you are getting divorced, as part of the discovery (obtaining evidence) process, you will receive Interrogatories (a zillion questions about everything you ever owned, bought, sold, did, or experienced, along with all of your health history, names of doctors, etc.).  You will also receive a Notice to Produce documents and other things that might be important for the case.  For example, you will be ordered to produce all audio and video recordings, emails, texts, reports, writings, documents, electronically stored data, diaries, etc., that might be useful at trial for either side. If you are told to produce all social media posts that you ever posted referencing your ex (for example), and you already took down those posts and you do not produce them, then you are non-compliant with that requirement. You are also lying to the court (because you have to sign a sworn certification that it is complete) by saying it does not exist, since it did exist and you made it disappear.  If your ex's friend took a screen shot of that post before you deleted it, and it ends up as a Court exhibit, there goes your credibility.  Another example of posting that is a bad idea, is evident in the news item that appeared on the Associated Press (AP) Twitter feed on July 4, 2017(https://apnews.com), about a woman who posted on Cragslist that she was looking for someone to poison her ex husband in Israel, using ricin.  Small wonder that the FBI arrested her for using Interstate Commerce for the commission of murder-for-hire. Seriously? Wow. Not the best idea. But that is an extreme case. Your posts, however, may still hurt you.

     The message here is (1) posts are not private and they can be packaged and used against you in court; and (2) think about the possible long-term consequences of what you put out in public, things you say, show others, etc.  As a general practice, it is not a good idea to air your private thoughts and fantasies and parts of your anatomy that should be covered, even if you are joking. It is probably ill-advised to post to social media if you are angry (or just feeling arrogant and superior), or if you want your soon-to-be ex to be jealous, upset or devastated by what you posted.  Also realize that your emails and text messages will be printed out and used as exhibits or as evidence of you being verbally abusive, insulting, and crass in what you communicated.  In some instances, your text messages and emails can be considered to be evidence of harassment or even evidence of terroristic threats and can be used against you in a domestic violence proceeding.  Domestic violence is not always about physical violence.  It includes (among other things) harassment, terroristic threats (e.g. death threats, etc.), and stalking to name a few. 

     The moral of the story is to think before you post: ask yourself if you might one day regret anything you write, say or post, if it is presented in Court.  Would that weaken your case or your credibility? Will you wish you never said that (and left that voice mail), posted that photo, or texted that text?  Oh, by the way: remember that your opponent (in court), whether your ex, or your ex's attorney will be sure to produce transcribed certified conversations you had with the ex that were tape recorded. It's better not to say anything if you are angry.  And, rather than having to worry about what you posted, it's better to post only cute things about puppies, kittens or ducklings, and maybe about a trip you took to the county fair with your child. But photos of you with a beer bottle in each hand with half-dressed people sitting in your lap, posted on Facebook, is so unnecessary when you think of all the damage that even one photo can inflict on you. Even though you may be the best parent in the world, to the Judge it is an example of poor judgment on your part, and will hurt your credibility.  Forewarned is forearmed. Good luck out there. Family Court can be a jungle of dangerous evidence lurking when it comes to your case. Be cautious, show good judgment, and think before you party too hard since there are always camera phones around. It is not paranoia if indeed, someone is out to get you. This is not a good time to be careless and cavalier, when someone is looking to catch you in a slip-up. Just saying.

Good luck, and please post a comment about your experiences.

Copyright © Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., Esq.,  2017
Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D., is a Family Law Attorney in NJ and in NY, and is also a Licensed Psychologist (NJ #1358, NY #5614, OH #7540) who has performed forensic child custody evaluations for the Courts and who has been appointed Guardian ad litem and Parent Coordinator.

Please note, this blog is for information purposes only. It is neither legal nor psychological advice and it does not create an attorney/client or psychologist/patient relationship. If you have a question about a specific matter or issue, you should seek out an attorney or mental health expert to assist you.

Call to schedule a consultation:  201-801-0455

email: jonathan@jdgordonlaw.com

Web Site:  www.jdgordonlaw.com
www.jdgordonpsych.com

Tweet Me:  @jdgordonlaw; follow me on FaceBook

     

FORENSIC CHILD CUSTODY EVALUATIONS

Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.
© Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2017 

     Frequently in Family Court, it becomes necessary to order what is called a Forensic evaluation, either for the purposes of custody, parenting time, or relocation out of State. A Judge, at oral argument on a parent's application (motion), does not always know for sure what is in the child's best interests, just from the arguments of lawyers.  For example, pre-divorce, a parent might want sole custody (e.g. legal and residential), thereby being afforded the power to make all decisions regarding the child without needing the consent of the other parent. (This is unusual, however, since the presumption is joint legal custody). Or, perhaps there is a dispute over parenting time--how much each parent should spend with the child. Sometimes a parent wants to move out of State with the child, against the wishes of the non-moving parent.  The Court needs to know what is in the best interests of the child, or in some cases, if a move out of State would be harmful ("inimical") to the best interests of the child.  Without going into detail about Case Law and Statutes, which can vary from state to state, this article is primarily an overview about the process of performing a forensic evaluation by an expert to assist the Court in making its decision in these areas.

     This forensic evaluation is usually performed by an experienced and forensically trained licensed psychologist, licensed clinical social worker, or psychiatrist, with a report to be written and provided to the Court upon completion. The evaluation is not just performed on the child, but also on the parents as well. Intrinsic to the evaluation is the need to clinically interview each of the parties, make an assessment of the personality dynamics and possible mental health issues of each (if any), as well as make an assessment of the child.  The latter also includes looking into the educational status of the child, if there are any special needs, learning problems, medical issues or behavior problems that should be factored into the equation.  Important also is the need to review documents and other evidence, usually provided to the evaluator by the parents as well as by their attorneys.  

     Accordingly, an evaluator--as part of the evaluation--could review court documents, previous orders and reports, the reports of other evaluators, school records, photos, video recordings, emails, etc.  In relocation cases (also sometimes called "removal"), the evaluator may also review information comparing the target location (where the moving parent wants to live) to the current location, regarding medical, educational and social factors to determine if they are comparable.

     Needless to say, these evaluations can be very expensive, depending on the amount of work and time required, the number of children in the family to be evaluated, the amount of data to be reviewed, and if the expert will need to undergo a deposition and eventually testify at trial.  Also important to performing a comprehensive evaluation is the need to interview "collaterals" who are additional people with first-hand knowledge about the child, the parents or the family. These collateral contacts may be a teacher, guidance counselor, physician, relatives, neighbors, etc.  Obviously, some of the collaterals will be more credible than others.  It is less likely that a school social worker working on the child's special educational program (e.g. Individualized educational plan, or IEP) will be more credible than the maternal grandparents who most likely will be biased in favor of their son or daughter who are the child's parents.  All of this must be taken into consideration, assessed and put together in a credible manner so that the Court can rely on the information. At times, a forensic psychologist will perform psychological testing on the child as well as the parents if more information is needed to provide a full picture for the Court.

     Often, the Court will appoint its own expert and the report goes directly to the Judge first, to be disseminated under Protective Order to the attorneys, to protect its confidentiality. Usually, after a court-appointed expert renders a report, one or both of the parents will not be happy with it. In that event, the dissatisfied parent usually has the right to hire their own expert to hopefully refute the Court-appointed expert's opinion.  In some cases, there are three experts: one of the Court's choosing, and one for each of the parents.  The Court-appointed expert will be more credible to the Judge who appointed that expert, unless the report is filled with inaccuracies and there is a lack of scientific underpinnings, methodology and data to support the conclusions.  Either way, if the parents end up being ordered to split the cost of the Court-appointed expert, and they each hire and pay for their own expert at an average of $7,500-$12,000, depending on the amount of time required, you can see how much this can cost.

     Sadly, some parents cannot afford to get their own expert who may want an initial retainer of between $7,000 and 10,000 before doing any work.  In the event that the Court-appointed expert does not do a satisfactory job (in that parent's opinion), a disgruntled parent may have to live with those results if there is not another report or expert who will refute the first one. Ultimately the Judge listens to all of the testimony, makes credibility assessments and makes a determination. The expert also will be cross-examined at trial and even a Court-appointed expert can be found to be not credible when forced to explain their results and conclusions.  On the positive side, however, sometimes a well-written expert report disseminated to the parties prior to the trial date, will motivate the parties to settle and avoid trial. I have seen this happen first-hand.

     I have previously written in this Blog that parents going through divorce, or custody and visitation disputes are fixated on the "badness" of the opposing party.  Being temporarily blinded by their own emotions and feelings of victimhood, they can become tunnel-visioned and even acutely narcissistic in their formulation as to what is in their child's best interests. Vilifying the other parent to the expert, slinging mud and disparaging the other parent, is often counterproductive and self defeating.  The parent going through this evaluation process, rather than demonizing their ex, would be better advised to focus more on their own solid relationship and activities with their child, unless there are unusual circumstances such as domestic violence and child abuse.  

     From the point of view of what is healthy for the child, the best approach is the parent who seeks to include--rather than to marginalize--the other parent, who encourages the child to have a good relationship with the other parent, talks respectfully to--and about--the other parent to the child and to others (especially when the child can overhear), and who clearly signals to the child that it is ok to love and have fun with the other parent (even though that parent may have been unlovable as a spouse or partner).  The healthy approach is to minimize stress for the child and to reduce or eliminate the loyalty conflict felt by the child who loves and wants to please both parents.  Even nonverbal cues (e.g. facial expressions, rolling eyes, etc.) can signal to the child that it is not ok with Parent A that the child enjoyed their time with Parent B. Children are very focused on the individual reactions of one parent regarding the other.  Part of the expert evaluation is to identify and to predict the degree to which the parents will be supportive and cooperative with each other, and to make recommendations to the Court based partly upon those and other important factors.

Good luck, and please post a comment about your experiences.

Copyright © Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., Esq.,  2017
Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D., is a Family Law Attorney in NJ and in NY, and is also a Licensed Psychologist (NJ #1358, NY #5614, OH #7540) who has performed forensic child custody evaluations for the Courts and who has been appointed Guardian ad litem and Parent Coordinator.

Please note, this blog is for information purposes only. It is neither legal nor psychological advice and it does not create an attorney/client or psychologist/patient relationship. If you have a question about a specific matter you should seek out an attorney or mental health expert to assist you.

Call to schedule a consultation:  201-801-0455

email: jonathan@jdgordonlaw.com

Web Site:  www.jdgordonlaw.com
www/jdgordonpsych.com

Tweet Me:  @jdgordonlaw; follow me on FaceBook