SHEDDING YOUR SKIN IN FAMILY COURT?
Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.
© Jonathan D. Gordon, Esq. 2017
When a relationship
dissolves, one would logically want to disassociate from the old partner, never
see him/her again, walk away and never look back, etc., assuming fairly healthy
thinking. But it’s not that easy in
Family Court cases that involved children or even with long term alimony issues. Often, the relationship is truly “till death
do us part” by its very nature.
Having children with a partner just
about guarantees that you will be tied to the other parent at least until the
child is an adult, but it usually goes beyond that, into grandparent-hood. As I
have stated in this space before, it is virtually impossible to surgically
dissect away a former spouse when you have a child. While you might be able to
plan separate birthday parties and vacations, you will not be able to plan
separate weddings, Communions, Bar and Bat Mitzvas, college graduations, and
births of your grandchildren, etc. While
it is difficult to think that far ahead when your child of divorce is eight
years old, you might want to keep your interactions with your estranged or ex-
partner on a civil and cooperative playing field because before you know it,
your child will be 18, then 28, etc.
Sometimes there is no escaping
someone even when they live elsewhere, and you feel haunted and stalked by your own social media. For example, after a divorce or other break-up, you will be
tormented by regular reminders of “this day in history”, for example, where you
will be involuntarily subjected to photos of formerly loving moments you
had with someone you would rather not
see. Going through your Google photos or
your phone gallery of pictures will yield, sometimes thousands of photos of
your ex and you, during happier times. Also, your child will not let you forget about your ex. How do you deal with this now in a healthy manner?
Sometimes it is better to take a
step back, breathe, forgive, and accept certain realities, as touched upon above. The
photos and social media example is only one facet of the bigger picture. If you can speak civilly with your ex, it is
best for you both to agree to keep it civil and cooperative for the sake of
your children. You cannot obliterate your ex’s existence. There is no way to do that legally, it is not
realistic and it is not healthy for your child. Despite your hurt, your sense
of betrayal, your anger, this person is someone who you once loved and with
whom you created a child. Is it good for
you and your child, now that the relationship ended, to retain anger, hurt and
sense of betrayal? That only hurts you because you are the one who feels lousy
inside. It is also not good for your pocketbook either, since anger fuels needless
litigation in many instances.
As I have also said
previously in this space, it is good for your child (with a few specific
exceptions related to criminal behavior, substance abuse and child abuse) to
know that it is ok to freely enjoy a loving relationship with both
parents. Alienating a child from the
other parent (overtly or subtly) is a form of emotional child abuse. If it is too painful to exist in the same
sphere as your ex, to deal with him/her civilly and cooperatively as related to
your child, then perhaps some counseling might be helpful. After the initial dissolution
crisis dissipates, it is healthy for a person to settle down emotionally and to
move on, keeping things in their proper perspective for the good of everyone
concerned. When someone has great difficulty doing this, cannot forgive,
retains significant anger, has violent fantasies, depression, etc., it is
unhealthy for the person and for their child.
It is difficult, if not
impossible, to completely shed one’s skin and totally start anew, as if to
regenerate without memories of a previous life once shared. The best one can realistically hope for is to
feel ok, to be able to move on with life happily, and to accept the ex as a formerly
important figure, who may still be a very important figure and role model for a child. That
requires some mental gymnastics in some cases, but should be attempted and mastered.
Your child needs the freedom to love both parents and to enjoy time with both
parents, assuming there are no extreme, contraindicating circumstances. Going forward
with your life is quite different from your child’s experience of the breakup,
and it might be good to acknowledge this difference with your child, and to
validate their need to enjoy their other-parent relationship without conflict,
anxiety or guilt.
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Good luck, and please post a comment about your experiences.
Copyright © Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., Esq., 2017
Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D., is a Family Law Attorney in NJ and in NY, representing Family Law clients in Superior Court of NJ . He is also a Licensed Psychologist (NJ #1358, NY #5614, OH #7540) who has performed forensic child custody evaluations for the Courts and who has been appointed Guardian ad litem and Parent Coordinator by the NJ Superior Court, Family Division.
Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D., is a Family Law Attorney in NJ and in NY, representing Family Law clients in Superior Court of NJ . He is also a Licensed Psychologist (NJ #1358, NY #5614, OH #7540) who has performed forensic child custody evaluations for the Courts and who has been appointed Guardian ad litem and Parent Coordinator by the NJ Superior Court, Family Division.
Please note, this blog is for information purposes only. It is neither legal nor psychological advice and it does not create an attorney/client or psychologist/patient relationship. If you have a question about a specific matter or issue, you should seek out an attorney or mental health expert to assist you.
Call to schedule a consultation: 201-801-0455
email: jonathan@jdgordonlaw.com
Tweet Me: @jdgordonlaw; follow me on FaceBook
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