BEING
“GASLIGHTED”
IN FAMILY
COURT
Jonathan D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D.
© Jonathan
D. Gordon, Esq. 2018
In the famous old 1944 movie, “Gaslight”, starring Ingrid Bergman, her husband tries to make her think she is going insane, or better yet: make her mental health actually deteriorate, by manipulating the environment in subtle ways, making the wife question her sanity. He manipulates her sense of reality, denying her perceptions and falsely points out to her that she must be imagining things, or that her memory is going or that she is delusional. This movie title became a verb over the years, as “gaslighting” became a description of manipulative behavior on the part of a spouse or partner against the other. It is not unusual to see this manifested in a relationship where one spouse is an abusive sociopath or narcissist, or both.
In Family Court, we see attempted gaslighting in a spouse who
creates ambiguity or drama about things such as parenting time scheduling that
were already communicated by email (“I never saw that email, you probably
forgot…”) or text message (“I never received a text from you.”). It could come in the form of blatant lies
about what the other party supposedly said but didn’t, e.g. “You told me I
could drop him off an hour late…”. A sociopath or narcissist (or someone with
both personality disorders) is good at manipulating other people to achieve
their goals. Those goals could be to
hurt the other parent, to harm the other parent’s relationship with the child,
to simply sabotage and weaken them and make them doubt themselves, etc.
We see gaslighting frequently used by manipulative pedophiles such
as we saw in the recently unveiled facts surrounding the molestation of Olympic
gymnasts by the team doctor. Children are especially vulnerable to
manipulation, and their sense of reality can be bent by a sociopathic sex
offender who attempts to use their position of power (e.g. doctor, clergy,
teacher, family member, etc.) to gratify their own needs. Domestic violence abusers gaslight their
victim by denying they were really violent, or that they really intended to
harm the other, and then by buying the abused spouse flowers or jewelry, etc.
Making the victim doubt their own perceptions, or making them feel sorry for
the abuser (or guilty) can ultimately cause the victim to endure more abuse and
ultimately become depressed with a pervasive feeling of self-doubt, low self
esteem, helplessness and hopelessness. Gaslighting victims of childhood sexual
abuse instills in the child much guilt, anxiety, and self-doubt, especially
when the abuser is an important and otherwise respected person in that child’s
life. This later manifests itself in the child having low self esteem and
feeling unworthy of healthy relationships. Those who have extramarital affairs
or are otherwise disloyal, are notorious for their gaslighting denials,
instillation of guilt in the person being cheated on, and ongoing lying and
manipulation of facts and reality to avoid being caught, telling the spouse
“you are imagining things,…”.
In Court, the gaslighter lies to the Judge, insisting they did not
receive the court notice, did not get served the papers, did not know of the
deadline, had a family emergency, etc. Sometimes the feigned sincerity of the
gaslighter even makes the Judge temporarily unsure of what really is real or
not real. Judges attempt to be fair to
all parties. When the Judge is not 100% certain, he or she will tend to give
the benefit of the doubt to the manipulator, which to that person is another
victory, another time they “got over” on the Court. At some point, the Court will not have any
more of it and will act accordingly, but the gaslighter has been doing this for
a lifetime and is adept at lying, bending reality and manipulating others.
A person, weakened by a gaslighting partner, is most likely
depressed and immersed in self-doubt. A therapist potentially could help that
person to regain a sense of confidence, better reality testing and self-esteem.
That person would do well to keep a diary (electronic with a good password) of
the interactions between them. Keeping a log of all text messages and emails,
provides proof of what was said or not said. There are apps that one can get to
be able to print out text messages. It is also better to do things in writing
with a gaslighter, rather than to rely on verbal conversations which will later
be denied or distorted. That is not to
say that verbal communication should be avoided, but after such a conversation,
it is good to send a confirming email (“this is to confirm today’s conversation
where you agreed to ….”). That way,
there is some documentation that can be used later in court if necessary.
It is interesting, although bizarre to others, that many people who
have borderline personality disorder, who are also narcissists and/or
sociopaths, actually believe the lies they feed to others. That helps them to
appear more genuine and truthful—even to a Judge. If the person distorts their
own reality to achieve their own needs, and they can rationalize their actions
and minimize the negative qualities of those actions in their own mind, then
they will be able to better convince others of that distortion. That person being convinced of the distorted
reality will pay for it with anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, self-doubt
and repeated voluntary exposure to the psychological and physical abuse they
have been enduring for years. When this
compromised spouse is a parent, they often become incapable of protecting their
child from the abusive parent/spouse, because of the same dynamics. The
victimized spouse/parent sometimes makes excuses for the abuser, rationalizes
the abusive behavior (that they know or suspect is going on), and sometimes
will actually side with the abuser against their child to avoid confrontation.
When a child protective services agency gets a referral to this
family, it is possible that the victimized parent could also be accused of
child neglect or abuse, for allowing the other parent to do so to the child.
Again, it is essential that a person who is being manipulated in a relationship
have someone such as a therapist or trusted clergy or friend to speak to, so
that they may obtain better reality and recommendation for taking necessary
action. Avoiding the confrontation is only avoiding the inevitable, because
somehow this will end up in court or in a police station. When there are children involved, taking
action becomes all the more compelling since it is a parent’s basic duty to
protect their children. Protecting one’s self must take place concurrently so
that the child has someone to lean on, to obtain a basic sense of security and
safety. Without that, the child will be
at grave risk for all kinds of problems in later life. Being gaslighted by the
abusing spouse/parent can be avoided by keeping track of reality, facts,
interactions and agreements, as well as seeking help from a professional or
trusted others. Going to Court with documentation that proves your position and
shows the other party to have been untruthful will strengthen your position.
The more documentation, the better it is for you.
Good luck, and please post a comment about your
experiences.
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and its contents is the intellectual property of-and are Copyrighted © by:
Jonathan D.
Gordon, Ph.D., Esq., 2018. All rights reserved.
DISCLAIMER:
Please note: Jonathan
D. Gordon, Ph.D., J.D., is a Family Law Attorney in NJ and in NY, representing
Family Law clients in Superior Court of NJ. He is also a Licensed Psychologist
(NJ #1358, NY #5614, OH #7540) who has, in addition to providing general
psychological services, performed forensic child custody evaluations and who
has been appointed Guardian ad litem and Parent Coordinator by
the NJ Superior Court, Family Division. No special skills or, expertise in
either profession is implied by any reference to my being licensed as a
Psychologist as well as being a licensed attorney. The two
professions are distinct and separate, with differing training and education,
and they each have their respective licensing, rules of ethics and codes of
professional responsibility. Contracting with Jonathan Gordon in one
profession precludes ever engaging his services in the other profession due to
conflict of interest. This web site and blog are solely for general
informational and educational purposes and should not be construed otherwise and should also
not be taken as tax advice (for which you must consult a C.P.A.). A
professional relationship is not established with Jonathan D. Gordon until a retainer agreement is
signed for legal services or if a consent for treatment agreement is signed for
psychological services.
Please note,
since this blog is for informational purposes only. It is neither legal, tax
nor psychological advice and it does not create an attorney/client or
psychologist/patient relationship. If you have a question about a specific
matter or issue, you should seek out an attorney or mental health expert to
assist you. In an emergency, please call 9-1-1 or visit your closest
emergency room.
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